What are the Five Love Languages for Attracting Your Soulmate? What’s your love language? Do you know? If you haven’t read The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman, it’s a must-read. We may not realize what our love language is or what we need to feel loved. I believe discovering these things about ourselves helps us attract the best partner.
I read it years ago, and I knew my top love languages were acts of service and gifts. I love buying gifts, I love finding the perfect thing and surprising the ones I love, and I love being there when they open gifts, I don’t know why, I just love gifts. It’s how I show love. I also feel the love is an action verb. I believe that love is helping and serving, being there for people. once I discovered this about myself, it helped me create my soul mate list and practice becoming the person I was describing on my list. Really discovering who you are and what is important to you helps you become the person you want to be, and becoming the person you want to BE, attracts that same type of people into your life.
Gary says that so many relationships fall apart because we give love the way we want to receive it, and not how our partners need it.
Getting to know that the love language of your partner is one of the greatest gifts you can give each other. You probably won’t have the same ones. John’s love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, and physical touch. Of course, I want all of the love languages, but most of us have a top-two that if we receive them, we feel loved. We need to know the love languages of our partner, our kids, and our loved ones so we can give them love the way they need it. And we need to know what our love languages are so we can communicate that and create that love in our lives! What do you need in order to feel love?
How to Determine Your Love Language
There’s a quiz in the book that will help you determine your own love language, and I thought I’d write about my thoughts on all the languages so you can start honing in on what you want to attract and become a magnet for this awesome person who will give you love the way you need to be loved once and for all. He also wrote the 5 Love Languages for Singles as well. I didn’t read that one, but if I was still single, I definitely would!
Love language #1: Words of Affirmation.
I guess I don’t have this at the top of the list because I’ve been manipulated and conned and wined and dined and shmoozed and lied to all my life. I’ve fallen for words over and over because I didn’t believe that I was worthy of love. I needed validation from someone else. I’ve heard “I love you” from so many men (teachers) who really don’t love me at all. They don’t even know what love means. I’ve heard “you’re so beautiful” from so many teachers who only want to get me into bed. I don’t really want to hear from someone how much they love me while he’s doing nothing to keep me and can’t be bothered to get off the couch. I had one douchebag I hadn’t even met text me and say, “I wish you could come over so I could feel your height.” Feel my height? Who says that? You’ve never been with someone who’s 5’10”? Does that line even work on women? He’s literally flipping through his phone texting God knows how many women trying to see who is desperate enough to drive over there. No effort. I feel sorry for whoever fell for that lazy asshole. Words of affirmation are nice, and it’s nice to hear that I look great, especially when I’ve been working hard and I’m trying to lose a few pounds, but words mean very little to me. I feel that it’s more important to believe that we are worthy and beautiful ourselves. If you believe you are wonderful yourself, you don’t need anyone to tell you how wonderful you are. I spent a lifetime thinking I was fat and huge and men only wanted me for sex. I’ve worked really hard to build my own self-worth and look in the mirror and believe that I am worthy and beautiful no matter what weight I am, no matter what size I am, no matter how puffy my eyes are, and no matter how dark the circles are under my eyes. When I was a teenager, my best friend’s dad literally called me raccoon. Raccoon eyes!! Because of my dark circles. Who in the hell thinks that’s funny to call a 14-year-old girl a raccoon? Striving every day, every minute to believe that I am worthy and beautiful no matter what I look like is a lifetime journey. I struggle with it every day. I want to believe it for myself, and I want to be able to feel good about myself no matter what someone else says about me. That’s probably why I care more about actions than words.
However, words of affirmation are really important to John. He suffered a lifetime of horrible abuse of every kind. His adopted Dad Called him “it” and was a complete dick. His adopted mother was an alcoholic whore who abused him. No one ever told him he did a good job; no one every said he was awesome. He needs to hear that I love him. He needs to hear me say that he is a great husband and he looks amazing to feel loved. I know that, and I do my best to tell him as much as I can.
Love Language #2: Quality Time.
I love quality time. Obviously, if you don’t spend quality time together then you don’t have a relationship; you only have a roommate. I guess to me it wasn’t on the top of my list because I feel like it’s a given. It’s a no brainer that you want to spend time with the person you love, and it’s not an effort to schedule dates, trips and time to be together. If you’re with the right person, that part is easy because you love to be together. However, we’re extremely busy people. I’m a total workaholic and I’d rather be working than doing almost anything else. At times we get in a rut, and if I don’t make it a priority to spend quality time with John, we’re going to suffer. He suffers, I suffer, we become more distant, and our intimacy suffers. And when your intimacy suffers, everything suffers. When I’m busy (and right now we are busier than ever) it’s harder for me to be in the present moment and put down the phone, stop emailing and stop working. I have people working on projects all over the country in every time zone. I get emails from 4 am to midnight every day. I feel like I need to respond to them when they are working, no matter what time it is, so that my projects can get done. It’s very difficult for me to shut it all out and just be present and just listen, just make time to talk and be together in the day to day everyday craziness of our schedules. I know that quality time is John’s love language, and I know he won’t feel loved unless I turn my brain off and spend time with him, talking and listening, without distractions from the kids or from work. Anyone can go to Mexico for a week and have an amazing time. But it’s the little things and little moments in your day to day life that matter. Some days I suck at it. I have deadlines and appointments that I can’t get off my mind. I have to really work at this moment to moment every day. I fail every day. I need to get better at this and improve every day. Something we just started recently is taking walks every night when he gets home. We can download our day, walk and talk, burn a few calories, be outside, and spend time together without distractions. It’s the best time of our day. Pro tip! (from a “pro” workaholic)
Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts.
Receiving gifts isn’t about me having the latest most expensive fashions or Luis Vuitton $3000 bullshit. I don’t care about that. I care about finding things that would make someone happy, finding something that they may have mentioned before and they will have no idea what they are about to open. I love surprises. When someone listens to me, hears something that I may like, finds the perfect thing, even if’ it cost $5, I feel loved. John and I read this book together so we know what is important to each other. Gifts aren’t important to him, but they are to me. He is really good at finding the perfect things for me. Last anniversary, he got me new hiking shoes because the week before, he realized my tread was getting thin. I didn’t even think to get new shoes. He scheduled a getaway in Sedona at a resort I had always wanted to go to and had never stayed. He scheduled a massage for both of us the day we arrived. Last Valentine’s Day, he got me new sunglasses and they actually fit perfectly! Most sunglasses hurt my head, and I usually have to try on 50 pairs to find one that fits. He got me James Avery earrings, which is a brand of jewelry that only existed in Texas until recently. We saw the display in a Dillard’s a year or so ago, and I mentioned how much I love James Avery jewelry. He remembered. It’s not expensive, I just like it. I grew up with James Avery, and my sisters and I have matching James Avery rings. It’s just something I like. Gift giving to me is taking time and effort to choose something that another person would love, and spending effort to go get it. There we go again with the action verb. For whatever reason, that’s how I feel loved.
Love Language #4: Acts of Service.
I wrote in my soul mate list: My soul mate shows me he loves me by helping me and taking things off my plate. He will show me with his actions. His actions show me he loves me.
That’s how important acts of service are to me. Maybe it’s because I’ve spent a lifetime attracting men who say the right things and do nothing. Maybe it’s because I was a single mom and spent too much time feeling overwhelmed with the responsibility of being the mom and the dad and the breadwinner. What’s funny is, when I was younger, I never thought I would want to work outside the home. I thought I always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom full time. But as it turns out, I actually love working, I love business, and I love marketing. I never thought about it much, but I’ve been an entrepreneur since elementary school. I would buy fireballs (that super hot round hard candy that burned your tongue off at first) at Samskies grocery store in the boonies in Virginia for a penny each and sell them for 2 cents. 100% markup! I love that I “stumbled” into the business when I was 22 and started answering phones for an advertising agency. Then I became a media buyer, and in a few short years, I was a director of the agency. I love working. But it was a challenge to run a household alone, and raise kids and run a business. I stressed way too much. When I was married the first time, I felt like I just had another child. That was mostly my fault. I was completely codependent, and I didn’t even know what that meant until I had been married for seven years. I was completely dependent on making him happy and being his savior. But you can’t make someone happy. I learned a very painful powerful lesson. Turns out I can’t control anyone, dammit. Contrary to what I thought! ha! So I created the monster totally dependent on me, and therefore, I longed for a partner in the true sense of the word who would share the responsibilities of everything that life requires. Now that’s exactly what I have. John will call Whole Foods and pick up dinner on his way home several nights a week, he handles the dry cleaning, the yard work, the dogs, he does dishes constantly; he is always taking things off my plate. He lives for it actually. That’s why I hired him 🙂
Love Language #5: Physical Touch
When I first read this I thought to myself, “Oh my God please don’t tell me how important sex is to men. That’s all they want and all they care about.” Those beliefs are my own filter from my past. Experiencing sexual abuse leads us to create unhealthy beliefs around men and sex that are not necessarily facts, and I finally learned how to transform them. Yes, some men are horrible and they were most likely abused themselves. But millions of people who have been abused are wonderful amazing people. Everyone knows sex is super important in a marriage. Sex probably is the most important thing to a lot of people. That’s how they feel loved. Sex the glue that holds a couple together. If you are with the right person and your sex life is a priority, every other area in your life is infinitely better and you feel happier and more fulfilled.
But physical touch isn’t sex. He’s talking about physical touch outside of the bedroom. At the beginning of the relationship, this part is easy, too. You always want to hold hands and kiss and touch each other’s butts while you walk by. But as time goes by, the newness fades and some people just stop being affectionate all together. We all see those couples sitting at a table at a restaurant staring at their phones because they’d rather do anything besides talking to each other. We see them get up and they walk out of the restaurant without holding hands or talking. I want to do everything in my power to never become one of those couples.
I want to be like some of the older couples we also see, still holding hands and talking to each other like it’s their first date. We can see it in their eyes how much they adore each other, and they always touch each other. The man pulls out his wife’s chair for her to sit down, gives her a hug or a kiss then he goes to his seat. Some couple still sit on the same side of the booth after years and years together. That’s what I want. If we want that in 40 years, we have to do everything we did at the beginning of the relationship. Tony Robbins says:
If you do what you did in the beginning of the relationship there won’t be an end.
John’s number one language is physical touch. He needs me to touch his arms, hug him, grab his butt and kiss him during the day to day busy life, and I know that.
Recognizing Your Different Way of Loving
We all need to be loved in different ways. If you learn your love language while you’re preparing to meet your soulmate, you can identify what you need and communicate that clearly to the universe and to the people you date. You can identify the love languages of everyone you love and strengthen all of your relationships. If you want to learn more about the love languages, go to Gary Chapman’s website 5lovelanguages.com
Wishing you lots of love!